


The Throes of Emotion

by Jsq86



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Arguing, Canon Compliant, Diary/Journal, Fighting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malec, Post-Book Series: The Mortal Instruments, Trust Issues, city of heavenly fire - Freeform, city of lost souls, teen and up for a small shower scene, tmi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 01:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21235829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jsq86/pseuds/Jsq86
Summary: Magnus accidentally reads something of Alec's that he shouldn't have





	The Throes of Emotion

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after the events of City of Heavenly fire, but before Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy. Spoilers if you haven't read the books I guess? 
> 
> Written several years ago and I only now just finished it. oops.

They were just getting to the good part of watching a movie on Magnus’s couch — the part where Magnus had his hand down Alec’s pants — when Alec’s phone buzzed from the coffee table.Unfortunately for Magnus, Alec’s contacts only really contacted him when he was needed, so he rarely ignored the notifications.While texts weren’t nearly as urgent as calls, this one happened to be the latter. 

Alec pulled away from the warlock to grab his phone, and Magnus sighed and leaned his head against his hand, propping his elbow up on the back of the couch to await the inevitable.Alec only gave him a sheepish shrug as he opened the call. 

“Hello?” he asked, and Magnus smiled to himself.As if he didn’t already know who was calling him.Alec gave the usual “uh huh’s” and “ok’s” and “yeah’s” and then was hanging up the phone and turning to Magnus.“I gotta go,” he frowned, and Magnus sighed again.“Of course you do.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec said and stood up.Magnus waved him off.“It’s fine. Can’t be helped.”He stood up too to see Alec off.The Shadowhunter put his shirt back on and grabbed his duffle bag full of gear, which he always brought with him just in case, and headed toward the door. 

“I’ll come back when I’m done so I’m going to leave my other bag here,” he said.“I look forward to it,” Magnus replied.Opening the door to the stairs, he leaned his toned arm above Alec’s head and ran a finger under the boy’s jaw, angling his head upwards.Alec closed his eyes as their lips met, only briefly, before Magnus was pulling away.“Be careful,” he breathed against Alec’s lips, and then pulled back, opening the door wide enough to let the lanky Shadowhunter leave.Alec only nodded. 

Magnus watched as Alec trudged down the stairs with his duffel, and then waited until he heard the door at the bottom of the stairs slam before shutting his own door.He sighed. They both hated the impromptu goodbye.Magnus knew Alec was a skilled Shadowhunter, but he still worried for the boy’s safety.Anyone would. And he knew Alec was the most clever of his friends — aside from himself, and that was only because he had hundreds of years worth of knowledge on the boy — but cleverness could sometimes take a backseat to fear and panic when in the throes of battle. 

Noticing his TV was still on, he snapped his fingers to shut it off, then sulked over to the couch where Chairman Meow was now laying after appearing out of nowhere.Scooping up the tiny cat in one hand, he shuffled to his bedroom.It was still early and he didn’t know what he wanted to do while he waited for Alec to return, so he slumped onto his bed, the Chairman squirming against his bare stomach.They both jumped though when they heard something fall to the floor, and the Chairman shot out of Magnus’s room like a rocket.Magnus shook his head and sat up, leaning over the side of the bed to see what had fallen.He spotted Alec’s book bag on the floor, much of the contents spilled out.Magnus got down on the floor to pick up the items.He held up the bag, which was as worn and tattered as one would expect a bag of Alec’s to be, and started shoveling the items back into it.After picking up two or three black sweaters, Magnus uncovered a small black book that had also fallen out.He picked it up and studied it.It had no title or writing on it, and was also fairly worn and tattered.He hardly ever saw Alec reading, and wondered what kind of unidentified book he would have with him.Flipping it open to the title page, he realized suddenly that it was a journal, _Alec’s_ journal, and slammed it shut. There was no way he would be caught reading his boyfriend’s private thoughts.He wasn’t one of _those_ boyfriends that went snooping through other people’s things.

Oh who was he kidding, he was _totally_ one of those boyfriends.He stood up with the journal and sat back down on the bed and flipped through the pages.The journal was thick and Alec had written in more than half of it.He opened it to the first entry, which had been dated a few years prior.Without reading anything, he flipped through it page by page, taking in the dates, which weren’t very consistent.Some of the entries were close together, others were months apart, and Magnus wondered if Alec was a fair-weather journaler who only wrote during the throes of emotion.Not wanting to pry too much into Alec’s past, he flipped to the dates that were closest to when they had first met.Sure enough, there were several entries around that time, and, not surprisingly, the entries before that were several months old. 

Alec had definitely documented his first meeting with Magnus, at the party he’d thrown for Chairman Meow.In his entry, Alec had seemed genuinely surprised at Magnus’s infatuation with him, and Magnus had to wonder if that was the first time anyone had shown any interest in the boy. 

Reading through the entries, the warlock frequently found Alec comparing Magnus to Jace — never in a judgmental way, but reflecting on how different they were.Many of the entries highlighted Alec’s insecurities, both with his sexuality and his performance as a Shadowhunter.Another documented how Alec had felt stringing Magnus along, while at the same time, refusing to acknowledge their relationship.Magnus had definitely resented Alec for that, especially since it seemed he had only contacted him when he was needed for something, but he had no idea about the internal struggles Alec was dealing with during those weeks because the Shadowhunter never voiced his emotions, not unless it was vital to the situation.And Magnus had to admit that he regretted some of his actions now that he knew the truth about how Alec had been feeling. 

After those entries, nothing happened for weeks and Magnus wondered if Alec had been too busy to document the goings on.As he recalled, this would’ve been about the time they’d gone to Idris, right before the battle of Brocelind Plain.Magnus figured there wouldn’t be an entry until after that, but was surprised to find one anyway.He studied the text, and immediately noticed a change in Alec’s handwriting.It was not the lilting smooth cursive that had taken up most of the pages, but instead was quick, sloppy print.It was almost as if Alec had had a desperate need to write something, but had also wanted to get it done as soon as possible.Only after Magnus had started reading did he instantly feel ashamed, for the entry was about Max. 

Magnus had recalled hearing about what had happened to Max, whom he had never met.From whom he had heard the news, he couldn’t remember, but had wanted to get a hold of Alec as soon as he could to express his condolences.He had refrained, though, out of sympathy for Alec and his family.The next time they had spoken had been at the meeting right before the battle at Brocelind Plain, the night Alec had kissed him in front of, basically, the whole city.Alec had never brought up Max after that, and Magnus had no idea how Alec had felt, up until now. Magnus tried to pry his eyes from the page but was unable to.He knew he should look away, shouldn’t delve into Alec’s personal thoughts and feelings, but he refused to share much of anything with Magnus as personal as this. 

The pain that was engraved in Alec’s words was like nothing Magnus had experienced in a long time.Naturally, he blamed the whole incident on himself, wishing he had never left his youngest siblings in the hands of a psycho killer.He had trusted Sebastian, and in doing so, had doomed his little brother.Magnus seethed.As of lately, he hadn’t hated anyone quite as much as he’d hated Sebastian.He was glad Valentine’s son was finally gone, but at what cost?He had killed so many. 

After the entry on Max, Alec hadn’t started writing again until a few weeks later, and the next few entries documented Alec’s growing anxiety over his mortality, and Jace’s possession.Magnus hadn’t been aware what had triggered Alec to feel the way he did about their relationship.Apparently, an incident in the Seelie Court scared him bad enough to accept help from Camille.Magnus remembered how that moment in the tunnel had gone down, when he’d broken up with Alec.It hadn’t been either of their proudest moments.To Magnus’s surprise, there were no entries between that point, and a few days ago.None, except for one that was dated a few days before the group’s encounter with Sebastian the day he was killed.It simply read: Magnus, I’m sorry…

Magnus had no idea how Alec had felt during those weeks they had been broken up.It wasn’t until he’d gotten a look at the Shadowhunter’s face in Sebastian’s throne room that he saw the pain, and hurt, and worry etched into his delicate features.Those weeks without contact from Magnus had taken a toll on Alec, and it took everything in Magnus to keep from breaking down when he finally laid eyes on him. 

Magnus sighed and flipped the page.There was only one entry after that, things having slowed down considerably since then.The entry was nothing special, just that he was looking forward to seeing Magnus.He sounded content in the entry, which Magnus was glad for.He was also glad that he had opted not to read any of Alec’s earliest entries.He didn’t think he would be able to make it through some of them considering Alec’s fears about his sexuality growing up.He couldn’t imagine accidentally stumbling across any harmful thoughts Alec had been having…not that this whole endeavor wasn’t accidental.Magnus felt ashamed once more at having gone through Alec’s personal effects.Closing the journal, he stuffed it to the bottom of Alec’s bag and set the bag on the floor near his closet.Suddenly, he heard the door to his loft open, and he glanced at the time: it was past 10 p.m. Magnus hadn’t realized he’d been reading for that long and was grateful he’d finished just in time. 

“Magnus?” he heard Alec call out and the warlock walked into the living room just as Alec was setting down his bag.He held a white take-out container in his other hand. 

“How was it?” Magnus asked as he flopped down on the couch.Alec shrugged.“Not too bad.Just a bunch of ravener demons in an abandoned subway tunnel.We went to Taki’s afterwards, that’s why it took me so long.I brought you some food back,” he said and sat down next to Magnus while handing him the take-out container. 

“Thanks, love,” Magnus said and took the container.“I’m not very hungry right now, though,” he added and went to stick the box in the fridge. 

Alec began taking off his shoes.“What’d you do all night?” he asked as he flung his boots near the door.“Nothing really.Watched TV,” Magnus lied.After some careful maneuvering, he found a space in the over-stuffed fridge and crammed the box in.

“Are you ok?” he heard Alec say from his seat on the couch.“You seem like you’re upset about something.”Magus stood up and looked over the top of the fridge door, and he saw a concerned look plastered on Alec’s face.“I’m fine,” he lied again.“And _I _should be asking if _you’re_ ok.You look like you got scuffed up a bit,” he added and waggled a finger at the Shadowhunter.Alec looked down at his gear and noticed multiple rips in the fabric, but none deep enough to maim him.“Oh, yeah,” he said sheepishly.“Guess I better change.”

“And maybe shower, too,” Magnus said and waved a hand in front of his face.Alec’s normally white skin was splotched with dirt, and his hair was more mussed than usual.He rubbed his cheek with the back of his hand and laughed again.“Huh,” he said and made to walk to the bathroom when he stopped and turned toward Magnus again.“He’s an idea,” he said, and his mouth quirked up on one side.“Care to join me?” He stuck a hand out toward the warlock, who just stared.Suddenly Magnus realized he was still standing in front of an open fridge and quickly closed it, clearly flustered by the enticing invitation, one that he didn’t normally hear come from his boyfriend’s mouth.

“Try and stop me,” he said and quirked an eyebrow.Alec smirked and sauntered to the bathroom, stripping his clothes off one item at a time as Magnus dutifully followed. 

The shower had been everything Magnus had hoped it would be.Not that they hadn’t showered together before, but with Alec’s feelings having been inadvertently brought to light, Magnus couldn’t help the animal that had escaped.And Alec must have been revved up after fighting the ravener demons because he was every bit as hungry as Magnus was.After they’d both been satisfied, which hadn’t taken long, they stood under the water idly kissing.Somewhere along the way they’d cleaned each other up, and were now just taking pleasure in the closeness and warmth. 

“The hot water is starting to run out and we’re getting all pruney,” Alec pointed out.“So it is, so we are,” Magnus grinned but turned around anyway to shut off the water.Snapping his fingers, a giant fluffy white towel appeared, draping itself over the two.It was so large, in fact, that Alec couldn’t tell where it began and where it ended, but somehow it remained wrapped around them as Alec felt Magnus’s hands on the small of his back, his fingers slowly inching downward as they cupped him from behind.Alec shivered as a tingle ran up his spine, causing Magnus to snicker. 

“Are you cold, love?” he teased and lightly bit Alec’s earlobe.“Very funny,” Alec retorted and pinched him.Magnus jumped and grabbed Alec’s hand under the towel, then gave the Shadowhunter one last kiss before he snapped his fingers again.This time they each had their own towels which were now wrapped around their waists.“Okay, now I’m cold,” Alec shivered again and wrapped his arms around him.“You could’ve warned me you were going to do that,” he whined, and Magnus only laughed.

Entering the bedroom, they both scoped around for something to wear to bed.Alec picked up his bag, and Magnus was sure Alec would realize what he’d done.But to his relief, Alec only took out a tee shirt and boxers and set the bag back down.He looked up suddenly to see Magnus staring at him with a deer-in-headlights expression. 

“What?” he asked, looking around him.Maybe there was a spider on the wall behind him or something.Magnus shook his head.“Nothing,” he said and pulled a pair of boxers from his dresser.They were black and satiny and too short, in Alec’s opinion, which is why he insisted on wearing them. 

Finally dressed, they decided to call it a night.“Magnus, are you sure you’re okay?” Alec asked as he climbed into bed on his designated side.Magnus got in on his side and put his arms behind his head, then changed his mind and put them in his lap, feeling the position was almost _too_ nonchalant.

“Yes, why?” was all he said. 

“I don’t know.You just seem like something’s bothering you.Like you wanna say something to me but keep changing your mind.” Magnus swore to himself.Alec knew him way too well.He sighed.He knew he had to bring up these issues sooner or later, or they were going to eat away at him emotionally. 

“Magnus, really, what is it? Did I do something?” Alec asked, speaking the last part softly.Magnus mentally kicked himself.That was his Alec, immediately thinking whatever was bothering Magnus was somehow his fault, when really, Magnus had brought this on himself. 

“Of course not, love,” Magnus said as he turned to face Alec, his features softening.“I was just thinking about something when you were gone.Do you remember that book I gave you, the one with all of my experiences in it?” Alec nodded and Magnus could almost see the anguish in the Shadowhunter’s eyes, running through every moment in his mind, trying to figure out what he could have possibly done.

“I was just thinking…I’ve told you almost everything there is to know about my past.But you’ve never really told me anything about yours.” Alec blinked. 

“Well, that’s not really fair,” he said.“I mean, I’m only 18.I don’t really have a ‘past.’It was just my childhood.What could you possibly want to know about that?” he chuckled.Magnus thought for a moment.Alec was right.His past was nothing compared to Magnus’s.But he still didn’t know how Alec had felt growing up. 

“What were you like as a child?” he asked anyway, grasping at straws.Maybe Alec would reveal any hidden emotional trauma along the way.Alec just shrugged. 

“Pretty much like I am now,” he admitted. 

“No emotional trauma?” Magnus asked, and had to stifle a laugh at the bemused look his boyfriend was giving him. 

“What? Magnus, what brought this on exactly?” Alec questioned, and Magnus could tell he was starting to get annoyed.“Did someone put you up to it, or something? I mean, you gave me that book months ago.Why are you suddenly interested in my childhood?” Magnus sighed. He knew he was going to have to come clean before Alec went ballistic.Although there was a good chance he was going to go ballistic anyway when he found out.

“Okay,” he said and turned so he could completely face the shadowhunter.Though if it were up to him, he’d prefer to hide in the bathroom and just tell Alec through the door.“Before I tell you this, please promise me you won’t freak out,” he asked and grabbed Alec’s hands in his.Alec narrowed his eyes. 

“Maybe don’t give me a reason to freak out,” he said hesitantly.“Oh, we’re way past that,” Magnus admitted.“Jeez, did you kill someone or something?” Alec asked, only half joking.“No, nothing like that. Just…freak out if you must, but…promise you won’t leave.” Magnus silently pleaded with Alec, rubbing small circle on the boy’s hands.“Ok, I promise I won’t leave,” he said finally. 

“After you left,” Magnus began, “I came in here to crash and your bag fell on the ground and all of your things fell out.”He paused for effect, but Alec just stared, clearly not getting it.“Anyway, a book of yours had fallen out and I just picked it up to see what it was and….” he trailed off as recognition appeared on Alec’s face, which was now whiter than Magnus had ever seen it.Well, in the last few months anyway. 

“By the angel, Magnus, you read my journal??”

“Read is such a strong word.I…skimmed, if you will.” Alec didn’t care how Magnus worded it.He was furious either way.Wrenching his hands from the warlock’s, he got out of bed. 

“You promised you wouldn’t leave,” Magnus said, and Alec could hear the turmoil in his voice, though why _he_ was feeling turmoil, Alec would never know.

“I’m not leaving,” he grumbled and went to stand by the door.Thumping against the wall, he crossed his arms in front of him, then uncrossed them and rubbed his face in his hands. 

“By the angel, Magnus," Alec said again. "Is that why you wanted me to tell you about my past? You’ve obviously read it.What, did you want to compare notes or something? Make sure I wasn’t lying to you?” he spat.Magnus flinched.He hadn’t heard Alec this angry since they’d been in Idris during the Mortal War. 

“It’s not like that,” Magnus said.“Would you please come back to bed so I can explain everything to you?”

“I can hear you fine from over here,” Alec said and crossed his arms again.Magnus huffed and started to speak when Alec interrupted him.“Actually, you know what? I’m too angry right now to listen to someone who thinks it’s okay to blatantly go through my personal things.” With that, Alec stormed out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. 

Magnus looked at the clock.It was past midnight and Alec still hadn’t come back to bed.He was sure Alec hadn’t left and had probably just fallen asleep on the couch.Wanting to be sure, he got up and tiptoed to the door, then slowly and quietly opened it.He peered out, and could faintly hear the tv and see the flashes of light in the otherwise dark loft. 

After mentally prepping himself, he quietly padded into the living room.He stopped at the foot of the couch to find Alec on his back, his head turned to the TV, and Chairman Meow asleep on his stomach.He could tell Alec was awake by the small movements his fingers made against the cat’s fur, but he refused to look at Magnus. 

“Alexander, I’m sorry.If it’s any consolation, I didn’t read the whole thing.Just the parts with me in them, really,” he admitted.He waited for Alec to speak, but he said nothing.And it was hard to tell in the dark, but Magnus swore he could see Alec scowling.He waited a few more seconds, then made up his mind and walked to the front of the couch.He saw Alec shift only his eyes up to him, before ultimately rolling them and pulling his legs up so Magnus could sit down. 

“I don’t want to fight,” Magnus said softly, turning to face Alec and crossing his long legs in front of him.Alec sighed deeply, then pushed himself up to a sitting position.The Chairman, annoyed at having been woken up, jumped down and sauntered off toward the bedroom.Magnus watched him go, then turned back to Alec. 

“What a drama queen,” he chuckled, but Alec only glared at him from across the couch.Magnus ran a hand through his hair and opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off by Alec finally deciding to speak.

“I don’t want to rehash old drama,” he said quietly, and Magnus found himself leaning forward just to hear him.“But I guess I just find it funny that you spouted all of this stuff about trusting each other back when we broke up, and then went behind my back by doing this. And I _know_,” he added louder, putting his hand up as Magnus started to say something, “that it’s just a journal, that this is nowhere near as bad as what I did, but it’s the principle.I know we agreed to tell each other everything, but by the angel, Magnus, I didn’t think that meant _everything_.”

Magnus leaned more forward still, and took one of Alec’s hands, while breathing a silent sigh of relief that he’d actually let him and hadn’t pulled it away. 

“It didn’t.It _doesn’t_.I’m sorry.I know this makes me the world’s biggest hypocrite, but I just…I love you so much that it was nice to be able to know what you were feeling.I know you don’t hide things from me, but you’re so reserved sometimes, and once I started reading, it was hard to stop. I just…love knowing all I can about you.But I swear that I only read the parts with me in them.”

Magnus had dipped his head down during his monologue, his forehead resting against their closed hands.Alec had wondered if Magnus was just doing it for affect, but he was squeezing Alec’s hand pretty hard, and he had a feeling Magnus didn’t even realize it. Sometimes it still stunned him how much Magnus loved him. 

“I love that you love knowing all you can about me,” he said finally, feeling that the warlock had been punished enough.Magnus’s head snapped up, and Alec could make out a faint sheen over his eyes, the brightness from the TV reflecting off of them. 

“You do?” Magnus said, his voice small. 

“And I love knowing all I can about you,” Alec added.Magnus dipped his head again and laughed, but gave a small sniffle, and Alec used their still joined hands to pull Magnus to him, until they were laying together on the couch, their long limbs entwined. 

“You know, sometimes couples fight,” Alec said, after a few minutes, though secretly he was glad he wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch alone.Magnus suppressed a shiver as Alec absently ran a hand along his shoulder blade.“You know I can’t sleep without you,” Magnus admitted softly, his lips grazing the light stubble on Alec’s cheek, and Alec was glad his warlock felt the same way. 

They lay like that for several more minutes, their eyelids drooping as they drifted in and out of sleep.“You forgive me then?” Magnus murmured.Alec sighed beneath him, his chest rising and falling deeply.“I guess so,” he said, and Magnus smirked, his eyelids fluttering shut.

“Oh and Magnus?” 

“Hmm?”

“If you ever read my journal again, I swear on the angel I will burn all of your clothes.”

“Understood,” Magnus said, smiling against Alec’s cheek again, before finally succumbing to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? Come find me on tumblr @my-archerboy 🖤💙


End file.
